I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
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I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
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She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
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