Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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