I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
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Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
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Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
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