Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
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