meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
