I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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