D3 body, D1 cock
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
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