I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I just saw Ann slam dunk her puke bag into a trash can on Avenue A. You ladies might want to consider putting the Patron shots down and going home.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Randomize
