I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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