the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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