she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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