my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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