I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Never underestimate the power of titties
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
