I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
