Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
