I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
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