is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
