someone owes me an orgasm
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
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