please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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