There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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