i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Of course I have a pirate flag
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
