apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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