He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
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