She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
