Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
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