I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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