Don't make out with my wife yet
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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