Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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