I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
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