Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
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