You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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