I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
