I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
