he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
