I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
