if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
