Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Randomize
