Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
We talked him into tasing himself.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Randomize
