Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
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