Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
