Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Randomize
