I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
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There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
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The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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