Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
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