all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
You've changed since you got that strap on
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
