My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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