so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Welp...herpes.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
