So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
Randomize
