you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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