He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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