what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
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Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
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