Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
