Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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